Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
