i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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