everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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