tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just forgot I was standing up.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
