Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
