I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
