so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
