Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
