I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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