All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
