Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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