all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I am never drinking with the goths again.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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