I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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