The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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