I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
