Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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