life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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