I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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