I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
