quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Randomize
