she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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