She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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