Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
