I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
The struggles of a small town man whore
You are a genius and a whore.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
