The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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