Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
