What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
