i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
PANTIES FOUND
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