I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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