Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
