My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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