im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
