It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
