I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
