my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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