Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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