You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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