Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
How many fucks given?
0.12846
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
