I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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