Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize