If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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