he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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