I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
