I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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