If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
