I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
