I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
