I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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