I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
