I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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