now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
