Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
