I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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