Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
