i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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