Heybabeimwearingurpanties
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
