Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
