I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
